Parenting with Purpose: A Conscious Approach

Parenting with Purpose: A Conscious Approach

By Bat-sheva Levy-Hecht & Esther Hecht

Parenting is a process of learning and growing alongside our children. A conscious approach asks us to respond with empathy and intention, while setting clear, respectful boundaries.

Conscious parenting is not permissive parenting. We can acknowledge a child's feelings without allowing every behavior. The goal is to make room for emotions while guiding children toward constructive ways to express them.

Finding the Balance

Parenting styles are often described as authoritarian, permissive or authoritative. An authoritarian approach emphasizes strict rules and may leave little room for emotions. A permissive approach allows feelings but offers few limits. An authoritative approach combines emotional understanding with clear boundaries.

The distinction is simple: all feelings are welcome, but not all behaviors are allowed. We can validate a child's frustration while holding a boundary against hitting, grabbing or other harmful behavior.

Two Things Can Be True

Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of Good Inside, describes the idea that "two things can be true." In parenting, this means acknowledging a child's experience without giving up our own role in setting limits.

Imagine taking your child shopping for a cousin's birthday gift. You have explained that you are buying a gift for the cousin, not something for your child. At the store, your child becomes upset and demands a LEGO set.

You might feel tempted to dismiss the disappointment: "You knew we weren't getting you a gift today. Stop crying!" Or you might buy the set to end the upset. There is another response that makes room for both your child's feelings and your boundary:

"You really wanted this LEGO set today. I hear you. It's hard to choose a gift for your cousin without getting something for yourself. Today we're only buying your cousin's gift. We can take a picture of the LEGO set for another time, but we're not buying it today."

You do not have to choose between a firm boundary and a loving response. Your child can be disappointed, and the answer can still be no.

Setting Boundaries with Empathy

A helpful boundary tells children what we will do or guides them toward what they can do, rather than only telling them what to stop doing.

Consider the transition from television to dinner. Instead of shouting from another room or threatening a punishment, walk over calmly and say:

"It's time for dinner. I'm going to turn off the TV. I know you want to keep watching. It's hard to stop when you're enjoying the show."

Use a calm, firm voice. The boundary does not depend on your child being happy about it.

If your child cries or protests, you can acknowledge the feeling without changing the limit:

"I get it. It's really hard to turn off the TV when you're enjoying a show."

Avoid shaming the reaction with comments such as "Stop being a baby" or "You won't watch TV again if you cry." The disappointment is allowed, even as you follow through.

Teach the Skill, Not Just the Rule

Everyday conflicts can become opportunities to teach. Instead of relying only on rules and punishments, show children what to do next.

Suppose one child grabs a doll from her sister. "No grabbing! That's not nice!" tells her what she did wrong, but not how to ask for what she wants.

Try:

"You wanted a turn with the doll. Put your hand out and say, 'Turn, please.'"

The focus shifts from correcting the behavior to teaching a way to handle the situation. You are still holding a boundary while helping your child practice a skill.

Connection Before Correction

"Connection before correction" is a useful reminder to begin with understanding. Acknowledge what your child wants or feels, then offer the limit or guidance the situation requires.

In the examples above, the pattern is straightforward: recognize the feeling, state the boundary and show your child what comes next.

Parenting with purpose means bringing empathy and clear guidance into everyday moments. We can listen to our children, allow difficult feelings and remain steady in the limits we set.

Adapted for the web from "Parenting with Purpose: A conscious approach," Perspectives, Issue 20, pp. 70-71.